Truth is, the picture we end up with isn’t always the one we were shooting for.
Note: This is the third post in a series called The Bad News About Raising Christian Kids.
“It starts the day the two lines appear.
The laying down of a life. The putting someone else before oneself. We forego soft cheese and too much coffee and soda with our pizza (at least the first time around.) We develop daily routines like, “Wake up. Make bed. Take shower. Eat breakfast. Throw up. Put makeup on. Go to work. Come home. Fall asleep. Repeat.” Those two lines are the death knell on the former life–the one that was all about us. We swallow vitamins the size of Volkswagens, put our size 2s away with a sigh, and replace the home decor tomes with how-to-raise-your-baby-books….”
You can read the rest of The Bad News About Raising Christian Kids {part one} here, and the next …
“Our sons are sons of Adam; our daughters, daughters of Eve, and rebel blood runs in their veins. We want them to miss it; want to have trained and loved and discipled it out of them. We are hoping they’ll miss the heartache and bad decisions we made, that surely our love will speak louder than the voices of culture around them and all our hours and days and years will have proven us as their best friends, the ones they should listen to and trust.
If only… “
read the rest of The Bad News About Raising Christian Kids {part two} here.
So, when all is said and done … what’s a weary mama to do?
First of all, recognize the unknown variables of parenting.
We’ve been conditioned to expect that hard work in=expected results out. Yet we truly need to recognize that parenting is not a matter of simple mathematics. It’s more like algebra. Instead of 1+1=2, we have something more like 1+1x=??? Your child’s soul, personality and the story God is writing in his or her life are all unknown variables thrown into the equation. We can see evidence of this when we take two children from the same family just a year or two apart and note very early on how different they are! Acknowledging your child’s other-ness–his or her completely unique wiring and bents and ways of filtering the world–is a major first step to getting a grip on what happens as “Christian kids” grow up.
Then there’s the unknowns regarding … well, everything else. What will be the most influential event, group of people, book, movie, even beckoning social movement happening *outside* your home as your children grow up? We aren’t the only influence on our children, and of course, most of us recognize that. But I’ve had more than one wrestling match with God over some of the events and people that have seemingly changed the course of my children’s lives. And honestly, you wouldn’t want to be. It’s too big a burden to bear. Not to mention the fact that it would turn out some really weird people.
And then there’s the fact that it’s more than likely that you’re not the only parent involved. You’re just one, just the mom. And you can’t control dad (oh my, there’s a whole ‘nother post.) So ultimately, your mothering is just a piece of what’s happening in your child’s life.
Okay, so that’s kind of depressing. And pretty much makes me want to throw in the towel now and start watching period dramas and eating bon bons, which let’s all admit is way more enticing than laundry and character training and lets not get started on grammar, anyway. Is that what I’m suggesting? Nope. Not by a long shot.
Second … recognize that those realities don’t negate your responsibilities.
Check out these directives God gave to Ezekiel in the book that goes by his name …
“I am sending you to them who are stubborn and obstinate children, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD.’ As for them, whether they listen or not– for they are a rebellious house– they will know that a prophet has been among them. And you, son of man, neither fear them nor fear their words, though thistles and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions; neither fear their words nor be dismayed at their presence, for they are a rebellious house. But you shall speak My words to them whether they listen or not, for they are rebellious.” Ezekiel 2:4-7
Now, I’m not suggesting that you just accept that your children are rebellious and that’s all to be said about that. I believe God listens to a mama’s prayers, that He honors the dedication of our children to Him, and that planting seeds of His word and love and grace in their life matters–in fact, that’s my point. I’m saying that this is the word of God, and He’s directing Ezekiel to speak truth to HIS children … whether they listen or not (a phrase repeated a multitude of times in the surrounding chapters.)
In other words … we are called to do what is right, regardless of the seen result. We are called to obey what we’ve had impressed on our hearts as our mom-ly responsibility. We are called to love our children as Christ loved us; to speak the truth in love; to nurture and protect and serve … to put no stumbling blocks in their way. We do not retreat at the first sight of struggle with our children because we remind ourselves (and need to remind each other!) we serve God, and not man, because we want to serve Him well, and because we are following Jesus’ example of grace-infused love.
Third … and this is a hard one … recognize that it’s not about you.
Now, that’s a bit tough to swallow. Walk up to a mom who perhaps skipped college and maybe a longed-for career to wipe noses and scrub toilets and kiss booboos for eighteen years, tell her it’s not about her and you might just get a punch in the face–that lesson’s been well-learned, thankyouverymuch.
Or, has it?
I find, personally, that I’m way too quick to look at my children’s behavior and take it absolutely personally–whether they’re two or twenty-one. I admit it. Whether it’s a toddler’s refusal to come out from behind my knees or a young-adult’s choice of where to sit at dinner, my gut reaction is to think about how it reflects on me, what it means about me, or how it effects me. Gross, I know, but there it is.
And here’s what I’m realizing, and I think we all need to hear this loud and clear.
YOUR CHILD IS NOT MAKING HIS OR HER DECISIONS BASED ON YOU.
AT. ALL.
Human beings are egocentric creatures. Redeemed or not, young or old, 99% of the time when a decision is made it’s because it’s what appeals most at that moment *to the person making the decision.*
Translation: your infant is not in bed screaming at night because they want to manipulate you.
Your middle-schooler is not wearing that ugly shirt for the third day in a row because they want to embarrass you.
Your young adult did not sit at the table with his or her friends because they want to show everyone they despise you.
Why do they do those things? The same reason you do things: BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.
The cord was cut a long time ago, mama. Please know how much I am preaching this–in caps–to myself! I’m still horrible at remembering it! But I’m finding that the faster I come against my own crazy-mama mental overreactions with this truth: it’s not about me, the faster peace returns to my life. Your child does what he or she does because that’s what he or she wants to do. Period. With the exception of very few and far between moments when their prefrontal cortex has a glimmer of light and they’re able to think about the results of their actions, precociously.
I’m going to go ahead and break here. You’ll need to stay tuned for part four!
